Catanduanes Forum

We need to laugh from time to time and I believe it would be great to start this blog by revisiting those jokes that kept us smiling. The Internet is one, if not the best source where you can find many funny stories that would probably make everyone laugh. With the latest issue of plagiarism, i just hope “JOKES” are excluded. I believe a joke cannot be copyrighted unless it was written down before it was delivered in public. In this regard I think it is a bit safer to plagiarize jokes, but just my two cents though. In this blog, I will try my best to remember when and from whom I first hear or from what forum I extracted these jokes and give credits where it is due.

One person who has never fails to impress me with his racy jokes and innate comedic endowment is Gary Lising. It is just amazing how he was able to conceptualize those jokes and continue doing so, very well endowed indeed.

Gary Lising’s classics (from Potpourri)
*****
Ruffa Gutierrez vehemently denied the internet nude photo of herself. She has assigned an internet expert to examine the photograph. She is right. Findings showed that the face is Ruffa’s, but the body is that of Edu Manzano.
*****
NUR Misuari was asked if the rumor that he is taking a fifth wife is
true. Nur says that Muslim law only allows four wives. He says that if you take five wives, then you are a Catholic.
*****
PRESIDENT Erap distributed land to the farmers in Bacolod in accordance
with the Agrarian Reform Law. Asked to comment on this, FVR says “sounds
like a crop to me”.
*****
According to Mr. Starr and Larry King, Monica Lewinsky is lying. That
is not true. She was on her knees.
*****
PRESIDENT Erap is contemplating on settling the PAL strike by buying the
airline himself. He will name the airline “ERAPlano, Inc.”
*****
According to PAL, Chair. Lucio Tan, Mr. Ambrocio Co., a Chinese
Billionaire, is negotiating with to buy Phil. Airlines.
If the deal pushes through,CO will name the airline “COPAL”.
*****
People have been asking me (Gary) where I inherited my journalistic abilities. Well, my great, great grandfather was also a writer. He wrote “Florante and Laura”. Unfortunately, they did not write him back.
*****
porong herera found a lamp w/ a genie in it. he was granted 3 wishes, so he chose carefully his wishes. I want to have lou ferigno’s body, richard gomez’ face & my d!ck touching the ground. after that, he found his face look’s like richard gomez, his body like lou ferigno, and his legs shortened to only 2 inches.
*****
Gary Lising, author, Grin and Bear It:

Question: Bakit ang laki-laki ng butas ng ilong ni Sen. Drilon?
Answer: Kasi ang tataba ng mga daliri niya.
*****
Question: Why can’t they circumcize Osama bin Laden?
Answer: Because there is no end to that prick.
*****
Question: What is worse than a bachelor?
Answer: Being a bachelor’s son.
*****
Q2: Who is the older brother of Julius Caesar?
Ans: KUYA CAESAR
*****

and who would forget the ERAPtion…
Erap jokes(source www.epilipinas.com)

*****
Erap: I am very glad to be your speaker in this great conglomerate called the Ali Mall. As every Filipino knows, this place was named after the greatest heavyweight boxer of all time,…. MUHAMMAD MALL.
*****
FVR, Cory and Erap, are about to be executed in front of
a firing squad. Each of them is blinfolded and given the chance
to call upon the forces of nature to save them. The executioner
starts the countdown: “10, 9, 8,….”.
FVR shouts, “Flood!”. In a sudden, a big wave came. FVR was able
to escape because of the commotion.
It’s Cory’s turn. She shouts: “Earchquake!”. The people watching
the execution panicked. She was able to escape.
Erap was wondering what calamity to call. The executioner started
counting again: “10, 9, 8, 7….”. Erap had a mental block. “5, 4, 3, 2, 1…”
Erap shouted: “Fire!”.
*****
Erap in Library
“What time does the library open?” Erap on the
phone asked.
“Nine A.M. ” came the reply. “And what’s the idea
of calling me at home in the middle of the night
to ask a question like that?”
“Not until nine A.M.?” Erap asked in a disappointed
voice.
“No, not till nine A.M.!” the librarian said.
“Why do you want to get in before nine A.M.?”
“ha? who said I wanted to get in?” Erap sighed
sadly. “I want to get out!”
*****
NO MORE
After finishing the main course at lunch meeting with Clinton.
Erap is asked if he would like another serving.
Erap politely replied: “No thank you. I’m fed up already.”
*****
LOVE CODEs
Sa panliligaw ni Erap, mahilig siyang sumulat ng coded love
messages tulad ng:
ITALY – I truly adore and love you
SASAYA – Stay as Sweet as you are
Para lalong bumilib and kanyang nililigawan , sinikap niyang
gumawa ng “love letter” na gamit ang alphabet:

ABC – Always be careful
DEF – Don’t Ever forget
GHI – Go Home Immediately
JKLM – Just Keep Loving Me
NOPQRSTUVW – No One Perfectly Quite Romantic Should
Treat U Very Well
Napa-whew at pinagpawisan si Erap. Tatlong titik na lang ang
natitira…XYZ.
Pinag-isipan ito nang husto ni Erap. Makalipas ang ilang oras,napangiti siya at pinalakpakan ang kanyang sarili bago
sinulat ang:

XYZ – Xee You Zoon!!
*****
BALANCE
An accountant asked ERAP what a BALANCE SHEET IS.
ERAP answered – IT COMES OUT AFTER A BALANCE DIET.
*****
NAMES
An Erap’s pregnant sister was involved in a car accident and,
while in the hospital, she fell into a coma.
When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer
carrying a child, and asked, “Doc, what happened to my baby!”
The doctor replied, “Ma’am, you’ve had twins! You’re the proud mother
of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should
know that while you were in a coma, Erap named the children for
you.”
“Oh, no!” shrieked the woman. “Not him! He’s not really all
together, if you know what I mean!”
The doctor replied, “Well, ma’am, your brother named your daughter
Denise.”
“Oh, that’s not so bad,” smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked,
“What’s the boy’s name?”
The doctor grinned and said, “Denephew.”
*****
CEASEFIRE
ERAP to MILF : Sumuko na kayo!
MILF: Di kami susuko pag di mo maispel ang CEASEFIRE.
ERAP : Tang na! Tuloy ang giyera.
*****
VIP’S ON A SINKING SHIP:
CLINTON: What do we do?
YELTSIN: GET A LIFE BOAT.
ARAFAT: ALL WOMEN FIRST.
SADDAM: FUCK THE WOMEN!
ERAP: TALAGA! MAY ORAS PA BA?
*****
M & M

galing ng states si mayor lim at may pasalubong para kay erap m&m peanut.
after 1 week sabi ni mayor masarap ba yung pasalubong ko erap sabi naman
ni erap oo masarap kaso umitim ang kuko ko sa kababalat..
*****
Erap: KOLOKOHAN!!! , Di ako naniniwala!! !!, Walang taong ganun kataba!!!!
Loi: Ano? San ang balitang iyan?
Erap: Dito sa dyaryo. Sabi: “British tourist lost 2000 pounds.”
*****
ERAP CAN’T HIDE
It was getting a little crowded in Heaven,
so God decided to change the admittance policy.
The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you
had to have a really bummer day on the day
that you died. The policy would go into
effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day at 12:01 AM, the first
person came to the gates of Heaven. The Angel at the
gate, remembering the new policy,
promptly asked the man, “Before I let you
in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when
you died.”
“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to
my 25th floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught
my wife obviously having an affair….but her lover was
nowhere in sight. Immediately I began
searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me
as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I
was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the
balcony. Out there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips!
The nerve of that guy! Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on
his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he
landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t
die. This ticked me off even more.
In a rage, I rushed back inside to get the
first thing I could get my hands on to throw at him.
Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of
was the refrigerator. I unplugged it,
pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side.
It plummeted 25 stories and crushed
him! The excitement of the moment was so
great that I had a heart ttack and died almost instantly.”
The Angel sat back and thought a moment.Technically, the guy did
have a bad day. It was a crime of passion. So, the Angel announces,
“OK sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and let him in.
A few seconds later the next man on line came up. The Angel said,
“Greetings, friend. Before I can let you in, I need to hear
about what your day was like when you died.”
The man said, “You’re not going to believe this. I was on the
balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had
been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve
my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally
fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by my finger
tips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man
comes out of his apartment, starts cursing, and stomps on my fingers.
Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom which
broke my fall so I didn’t die right away. As I’m lying there face up
on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy
push his refrigerator – of all things – off the balcony. It falls the
25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me instantly.”
The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story.
“I could get used to this new policy”, he thinks to himself.
“Very well sir,” the Angel announces, “Welcome to the Kingdom
of Heaven,” and he lets the man enter.
A few seconds later, President Estrada
comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak.
Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel’s head.
Finally he says “Mr. President, please tell me what it was like
the day you died.
“Estrada replies, “Picture this. I’m naked inside a refrigerator….”
*****

at siyempre mawawala ba naman ang call center jokes….

Having worked for the industry, I can attests that some jokes are real conversations that took place between the customers and the agents. These may sound like they have been made up, but with so many people not having a good grasp of the latest technology and agents who are not a native speaker of the english language, then what do you think the result would be?

*****
CS: I was hoping you can take this survey with me… Would you have the time to do that, sir?
Contact: How long is this gonna take?
CS: Mmm.. Mga three minutes….
(ay shyet!!!)
*****
Telesales agent giving promo spiels:
Agent: You called at the right time, ma’am. We have a lot of freebies to give away, such as free installation, free equipment, and free DVD player. That’s a great offer, di ba?
Customer: huh?!
*****
Agent was asking the customer about the cost of his cable service:
Agent: How much are you paying with your current provider?
Customer: Well, I’m only paying $25.00 (–which is way cheaper than what the agent was offering)
Agent: (Surprised) Shet, magkano??!!
*****
Agent getting customer’s address:
Agent: Can I have your address, please?
Customer: It’s twenyfurfiftysavan newyaorkgh road ( 2457 New York Road )
Agent: Can you repeat that ulit?
*****
Agent: Thank you for calling us, this is Candy, how may I help you?
Customer: What did you say your name was… Mandy?
Agent: No, sir, it’s Candy.
Customer: Sorry, i can’t hear ya… didja say Mandy?
Agent: It’s Candy sir… Candy… as in Storck!
*****
Tech support: We’re going to perform a check disk to see if your hard drive has errors in it. Please type in C-H-K-D-S-K.
Customer: What is that again?
Tech Support: C-H-K-D-S-K. .. that is… C as in Charlie… H as in Harley… K as in Karly.. D as in Darley… S as in Sarley… and K as in Karly… got it?
*****
Tech Support: “Customer Support, this is David, may I help you?”
Customer: “Hello, yes, it’s me.”
Tech Support: “Oh, it’s me too.” [chuckle]
Customer: “No, Esmie. E, s, m, i, e.”
Tech Support: “Oh, sorry.”
*****

Below are some of those that really made my day…

HELL DEFINED (taken from Philstar’s column SUPPLY and DEMAND by Boo Chanco, March 31, 2010 issue)

The following is an actual question given on a Chemistry mid term.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle ‘s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1) If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2) If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over!
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct……leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN “A”.

Philstar.com, PILIPINO STAR ARCHIVES (KOMIKS COMMENT SECTION)
*****
Sabi ng ngongong pasahero sa bus, “Mama, mara lang a tami!”
Hindi huminto ang bus.
“Mama, mara!” sabi ng ngongong pasahero.
Tuluy-tuloy pa rin ang bus.
“MAMA! INAMI NANG MARA, EH!” sigaw ng ngongong pasahero.
Tumigil ang bus. Paliwanag ng driver, “Ori, a! Aala o asi, niloloo mo lan ao, e!”
*****

HUSBAND: Dear pinakita ko ang mga puting buhok ko sa dibdib ko. aprub agad ang SSS pension ko.
WIFE: Pinakita mo na rin sana bird mo para may dagdag-disability benefits.
*****

A girl newcomer in hell, complained to satan: “Ang daming cute guys dito kaya lang maliliit ang kanilang Bird”
SATAN: “Gaga!…Kung malalaki yan e para ka ring nasa HEAVEN”
hehehehe!!!!
*****
Mrs: Bakit ngayon ka lang?
Mr: Pasensha na, nagyaya mga officemates ko, nagkainuman lang. He he! Hik…
Mrs: Lasing ka no?
Mr: Ako, lashing? Hindi! Hik…
Mrs: Anong hindi? La ka namang trabaho, pano ka nagka-officemates?
*****
Isang panget na babae, hinoholdap
Holdaper: Holdap ito! Akin na gamit mo!
Babae (sumigaw): RAPE! RAPE! RAPE!
Holdaper: Anong rape? Holdap nga to eh!
Babae: Kaw naman para nagsa-suggest lang eh.
*****
MRS: Ikulong nyo ang asawa ko, kasi puro dogstyle ang gusto nya!
Pulis: Misis, wala pong illegal sa dogstyle!
MRS: Ah &%$#@! nyan eh, inaamoy lang nya, tapos iihian!
*****
MASAMANG BIRO

ANAK: Inay!!Inay!! si kuya nagbigti sa banyo!!
INA: Ha!!?? anong nangyari nasaan na ang kuya mo??!!!
ANAK: Joke..joke..joke…
INA: %#*@%## kang bata ka wag kang magbibiro ng ganyan!!!
ANAK: Sorry po Nay, di po sya nagbigti sa banyo..dun po sa kwarto.
INA: (Hinimatay….)

This one is courtesy of my good friend Mike Reyes

Sakay ng bumagsak na eroplano ang 3 pasaherong magkakaiba ng lahi.Isang hapon,kano at isang pinoy.Sa kabutihang palad sila lang ang nakaligtas sa plane crash. Habang naglalakad sila sa gitna ng gubat tumambad sa kanila ang isang tribu ng mga kalalakihan, ang tribu ng BOROMBO.Sila ay sapilitang dinala sa kanilang bahay sambahan at doon ay nagsimula silang sentensyahan.
(Isalin natin sa filipino ang usapan, hirap eh.:))
HARI: Patay o BOROMBO?
BUONG TRIBU: (sumisigaw) BOROMBO!!! BOROMBO!!! BOROMBO!!!
KANO: (kahit di alam ang ibig sabihin)Borombo na lang po mahal na hari.
(dinala sa plaza ang kano at doon sya binorombo ng buong tribu)
HARI: Patay o BOROMBO?
BUONG TRIBU: (sumisigaw) BOROMBO!!! BOROMBO!!! BOROMBO!!!
PINOY:(sa sobrang takot mamatay) Borombo na lang po mahal na hari.(muli ay nagpyesta ang tribu at ginahasa ang pinoy)
Dahil ditoy di nakatiis ang Hapon sa kanyang nakita.Kilala ang mga hapon sa harakiri or pagpili sa kamatayan kesa sa kanilang dangal or kahihiyan.Kaya ng magtanong ang hari ay dali dali syang sumigaw..)
HAPON: Mabuhay ang Japan!!! Patayin nyo na lang ako.
HARI: OK, PATAYIN NA YAN…. PATAYIN SA BOROMBO!!!!
at muling nagdiwang ang buong tribu
BOROMBO!!! BOROMBO!!! BOROMBO!!!

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